Love, Hurt And Pain....

Yes it is really true when you are in love with someone you don't look at his/ her weaknesses. Just like what the elderly people always said 'just close your ears, mouth and eyes'. Well, I think not only ears mouth and eyes but you shut everything up. As if it is malfunction. All that you can think of is that he/ she is the man/ girl of my life. We are meant to be together and everything seems to be  coincidence for you and your couple. Whatever similarity that you realized with your partner seems to be the most memorable experience that you will remember for the rest of your life (are you sure of that?). Things that you do coincidentally similar makes your thoughts that it is magic and you become   a slave to LOVE. At this moment you will think that 'yes, this is my soul mate and we are meant for each other'. When everything goes wrong then you realize that so-called 'magic' was actually just nothing but just a coincidence and your so-called 'soul mate' as what you believe suddenly makes you think that he/she is not the right one for you.

Love is something beautiful. Yes, I believe it is something beautiful and something that I should cherish if I do really have it. Well, even if you really have a couple but your couple seldom shows his/ her feeling towards you and you always have this curiosity and doubt whether he/ she is in love with you, you will not have the time to express your own feeling. You are not sure yourself whether he/she is sincerely in love with you or it is just a rebound. You know how much you love that person but you can't evaluate and figure out how much he/ she have for you. Hhhhmmmm.... That is what happening to me at the moment. Curiosity hurts me a lot. I'm not sure whether he is into me or it is just a rebound from his previous relationships. His first ex was his first love and I'm not sure whether he has gone through with his feeling towards his first ex. I know that his second one was a rebound. Just love the thoughts of being into relationship but not really in love with the person. I never get to know his own self quite well. He is expressionless. What hurts the most was his past memories which he keeps in a box.  I accidentally found it and I know I wasn't suppose to read and even peak at it. But my curiosity was at the highest level at that time. I opened it and read the whole drama. I may not be able to know what his response was to the letter but looking at the pictures were enough to see how happy they were. 

They never fail to talk about their planning of getting married and having family together. He never talk about getting married when he's with me. When I do want to talk about it, he flip over to another topic. He seems to be running away fro the topic. If he doesn't want to he can just tell it to me and I'll be okay instead of making me become more curious and suspicious. I've been hurt before and if I were to be hurt again I think I can manage. I've faced even worst than this and I thank God that I survive and moved on. Some part of me always think that he's not through with his ex yet and I'm actually one of his rebound. Part of me also think that he does love me and I always think positive that whenever he reacted that way, he's actually tired and need a break. How long would I be able to stand this hurtful feeling? 

Actually, I need a break too... I think I'm tired of hoping and now I'm numb... Sad? Yes but not as before. I'm always ready for the worst. I know he's not going to let go of me. But I don't feel his presence when he's with me. Even when he's around me at his home here, I don't feel him. I'm scared that I will do silly decision. Scared that what I've decided is actually not the right one. And I'm afraid that what I actually have inside is just my imagination. What if the decision I made is the decision that he has been waiting for? I'm exhausted.... I just don't want to face this kind of thing anymore. I'm prepared but not again and not this time. At this moment I'm staying strong for myself and for my family. Whatever thing that may come my way, I will try to faced it. This one... Need to faced it too. Need to be strong for the thoughts that he had for me long time ago. The only reason why I'm still here and be there for him, is partly I myself think that he does need me when he's stressed up with his job. Sadly to say, I listen to everything about his stressful job at work. I listen patiently and even when he's happy about his job he never fails to tell me all about it. And I will always be his best listener. He is able to talk about it for hours and I will always be his loyal listener. Always be... 

God.... Make me strong to face all of this... And what makes me feel a lot better at this moment is when I read a comment from a friend in facebook says 'disappointments are just God's way of saying "I've got something better in store".... As for now, I will just be as usual. Be myself and pretend as if nothing happen. I know I'm sad and disappointed now but I have to be strong. I can't show my weakness in front of him. I'm a strong person and I know that. *sigh*

I think that's all for now... For those who are reading this, this is just an expression from me. I just don't know where and who to talk to so I believe this is one way for me to tell what I feel inside. I'm letting it all out here and I do feel a bit relief.  Bear with me and I rarely talk about my problem with my loved one to anyone else. I know he loves me but how much he loves me I never know. I know he's serious but if he still keep his memories with him, it will always haunt him and I will feel like this until I reached my limit.