Love, Hurt And Pain....

Yes it is really true when you are in love with someone you don't look at his/ her weaknesses. Just like what the elderly people always said 'just close your ears, mouth and eyes'. Well, I think not only ears mouth and eyes but you shut everything up. As if it is malfunction. All that you can think of is that he/ she is the man/ girl of my life. We are meant to be together and everything seems to be  coincidence for you and your couple. Whatever similarity that you realized with your partner seems to be the most memorable experience that you will remember for the rest of your life (are you sure of that?). Things that you do coincidentally similar makes your thoughts that it is magic and you become   a slave to LOVE. At this moment you will think that 'yes, this is my soul mate and we are meant for each other'. When everything goes wrong then you realize that so-called 'magic' was actually just nothing but just a coincidence and your so-called 'soul mate' as what you believe suddenly makes you think that he/she is not the right one for you.

Love is something beautiful. Yes, I believe it is something beautiful and something that I should cherish if I do really have it. Well, even if you really have a couple but your couple seldom shows his/ her feeling towards you and you always have this curiosity and doubt whether he/ she is in love with you, you will not have the time to express your own feeling. You are not sure yourself whether he/she is sincerely in love with you or it is just a rebound. You know how much you love that person but you can't evaluate and figure out how much he/ she have for you. Hhhhmmmm.... That is what happening to me at the moment. Curiosity hurts me a lot. I'm not sure whether he is into me or it is just a rebound from his previous relationships. His first ex was his first love and I'm not sure whether he has gone through with his feeling towards his first ex. I know that his second one was a rebound. Just love the thoughts of being into relationship but not really in love with the person. I never get to know his own self quite well. He is expressionless. What hurts the most was his past memories which he keeps in a box.  I accidentally found it and I know I wasn't suppose to read and even peak at it. But my curiosity was at the highest level at that time. I opened it and read the whole drama. I may not be able to know what his response was to the letter but looking at the pictures were enough to see how happy they were. 

They never fail to talk about their planning of getting married and having family together. He never talk about getting married when he's with me. When I do want to talk about it, he flip over to another topic. He seems to be running away fro the topic. If he doesn't want to he can just tell it to me and I'll be okay instead of making me become more curious and suspicious. I've been hurt before and if I were to be hurt again I think I can manage. I've faced even worst than this and I thank God that I survive and moved on. Some part of me always think that he's not through with his ex yet and I'm actually one of his rebound. Part of me also think that he does love me and I always think positive that whenever he reacted that way, he's actually tired and need a break. How long would I be able to stand this hurtful feeling? 

Actually, I need a break too... I think I'm tired of hoping and now I'm numb... Sad? Yes but not as before. I'm always ready for the worst. I know he's not going to let go of me. But I don't feel his presence when he's with me. Even when he's around me at his home here, I don't feel him. I'm scared that I will do silly decision. Scared that what I've decided is actually not the right one. And I'm afraid that what I actually have inside is just my imagination. What if the decision I made is the decision that he has been waiting for? I'm exhausted.... I just don't want to face this kind of thing anymore. I'm prepared but not again and not this time. At this moment I'm staying strong for myself and for my family. Whatever thing that may come my way, I will try to faced it. This one... Need to faced it too. Need to be strong for the thoughts that he had for me long time ago. The only reason why I'm still here and be there for him, is partly I myself think that he does need me when he's stressed up with his job. Sadly to say, I listen to everything about his stressful job at work. I listen patiently and even when he's happy about his job he never fails to tell me all about it. And I will always be his best listener. He is able to talk about it for hours and I will always be his loyal listener. Always be... 

God.... Make me strong to face all of this... And what makes me feel a lot better at this moment is when I read a comment from a friend in facebook says 'disappointments are just God's way of saying "I've got something better in store".... As for now, I will just be as usual. Be myself and pretend as if nothing happen. I know I'm sad and disappointed now but I have to be strong. I can't show my weakness in front of him. I'm a strong person and I know that. *sigh*

I think that's all for now... For those who are reading this, this is just an expression from me. I just don't know where and who to talk to so I believe this is one way for me to tell what I feel inside. I'm letting it all out here and I do feel a bit relief.  Bear with me and I rarely talk about my problem with my loved one to anyone else. I know he loves me but how much he loves me I never know. I know he's serious but if he still keep his memories with him, it will always haunt him and I will feel like this until I reached my limit. 

Mother's Day

Mother's Day? Does anyone of you understand the meaning of Mother's Day? To understand what Mother's Day really mean, you yourself need to understand the person in your life that you call 'Mother'. Mother is a person who guides you through your infancy and turn the soft and helpless creature to the powerful and successful YOU.

This is the day for us to remember and pray for that special person in our life, without whom we would not have been, what we are today. A day to prove that all her effort, towards making us a complete person, have been worthwhile and make her feel proud for us. This day is also for us to be grateful to God for being so kind as to bless us with an angel in the form of Mother.

Love you Mami....

My Father's Birthday

This is my father. His birthday falls on the 24th of April which is a few days after my boyfriend's birthday. Well, this was also unplanned. We thought that we are just going to have a simple bbq with closest family and relatives. My aunt (don't remember her name) who is now a PR of Singapore came to visit. But the cake that I bought for my father's birthday was not that big actually. For the first time, my father celebrated his birthday with an ice cream cake that i specially ordered from one of the bakery shop in town. This is my father's 60th birthday so his only children around is me. 

As usual when we had a small gathering with family members we will use our car porch. The lady in black shirt is my aunt from Singapore. She's my mum first cousin. Very lucky indeed that she came during my father's birthday and that time was 'bubuk' season. So she managed to bring back home a few shrimp paste as well as 'cencaluk'. She also had some 'cencaluk' during her visit there. 

Anyway, I didn't manage to get my father anything for his birthday but I did give him something. Happy bithday Papa... We love you very much....

My Sayang's Birthday

It has been quite a while that I've not been updating my blog. There are few reasons why actually. Well, first I'm kinda tied with my job since few weeks ago was my students' final exam. So I've been very busy with marking and keying in their marks in the system. Another reason is that few weeks ago, my dearest boyfriend came for the election day. it was an unplanned trip from Kuching to Mukah though but he still have the effort to come for the election. The election was actually not his main reason to come back. But actually, he wanted to celebrate his birthday at home. This is actually his first time celebrating his birthday together with me. I've been planning for his birthday for like months. I've to cracked my head to think of what gift to give him. I thought I want to make it as a surprise but then again he found out.

The Gift

There's actually a lot of things in my mind to give him for his birthday gift. First, I was thinking of buying him either iPad or Samsung Galaxy tab for him since he travels a lot. I've seen him once travelling with his humungous laptop bag. He has to carry all his important belonging to wherever he goes. He has to bring his laptop around since he needs to surf the net and sometime do his job. So to make his life easier, I was so generous of giving him an iPad or Samsung Galaxy Tab which I think is more portable and reliable for him to travel. However, while I was in Kuching few weeks before his birthday, we went for gift hunting. He then change his mind due to my sis-in-law's phone. He suddenly fell in love with HTC phone. So in the end I bought him HTC Desire Z for his birthday. And I got myself Samsung Galaxy Tab.

This is the HTC smart phone that caught his heart. This is what I get him for his 34th birthday. Actually, it's with me at the moment since he is using my HTC phone too. Exchange for a moment but I will return this back to him this coming weekend where I will get back my HTC Incredible S... The function is almost the same as Samsung Galaxy Tab since both are using Android. 

The Day

A day before his birthday, I made a surprise celebration of his birthday at my house with my parents. Since I can't give him a gift surprisingly, so I thought why not make it at my place with my family. So I hid the cake and bring him home. While he was talking with my parents, I went out and got the cake. He was quite surprise though. He felt touched so we had a small gathering just the four of us at my house. My father n mother, him and of course me myself.

Surprise!!!

So, this is what happen at my house. Wait....

The next slide is the celebration during his birthday on the day itself. We did it at Nibong House. All his family who are here came and we had seafood there (on me okay) hehehe...

I forgot, his family's pics are with his little sister. As a token of appreciation to him, I bought him a big cake and treat him and his family for dinner at Nibong House. Happy Birthday Dear. Hope you'll love the cake. Love You....

PATCHED QUILT

I've been trying to promote patched quilts to others recently. These patched quilts are hand made and not machine made. My aunt made these and she has been doing patched quilts when she has free time which is actually everyday. She's single and working at home doing patched quilts. These are actually a few of her outcome. There are more but I haven't upload some of the pictures yet. And there are some more coming soon. People keep on asking me why it is expensive. Well, to be honest, it is not an easy task. And it takes at least a month to complete the whole set if you are committed and dedicated. And to have a good quality patched quilt, it has to be done by hand and not machine. Seriously, hand made patched quilt last longer than machine made.

My aunt is using the left over cloth that my aunt Annie (so-called home tailor,Sibu) gave after she has completed making clothes and the left over is not being used. So she will send it over to my aunt here in Mukah. Usually the left over cloth are from Baju Kurung cloth. Very colourful and still new. Yesterday, I noticed that my aunt is making new pattern of patched quilt. I'm not sure what pattern is she making this time but I'll upload some more once I take pictures of her patched quilts... If you are interested to have one, you can give me call.... (019-8578033)

Price can be negotiate. But I'm telling you it's not cheap. Coz it's not an easy task k. I've tried mine and to tell you honestly, not that easy to complete the whole set of patched quilt even if it single size. If you are not dedicated and committed, don't hope that you can complete it within a month. Maybe it will take years for you to complete it or perhaps never at all. hehehehe... Below are some other patched quilts that she has made. Feel free to view... 

Pink is the Colour....

Wow.... hehehe... Love all the gadgets. Well, specifically gadget in pink. hehehehe.... That's my C3 hand phone. I didn't buy it. It's a Christmas gift given by my boyfriend. So sweet. Well, I didn't ask him purposely to buy it for. My previous phone was not functioning so that time I was using my father's and sometime my uncle's hand phone while I'm waiting to get myself a new one. I was thinking of buying simple and cheap hand phone. Then when I look at the advertisement about C3 I fell in love with it. But as I was saying, I was not planning to buy it. quite expensive though. Then I told him that I'm planning to buy pink C3. But then I will have to wait for another 2 months. Then he went around Kuching and surveyed the hand phone. But I didn't know that he will buy it for me. I remembered that he gave this phone as early Christmas gift on the 13th of November 2010. So sweet and thoughtful of him. I'm touched. Bak kata Tina fall in for the 100th time. hehehehe.... (I know you are going to read this)

Pen drive was also a gift from him. Sony Walkman mp3 is my latest gadget that I bought last month after attending pre-marriage course in St. Joseph, Kuching.... Bought it at Tun Jugah Sony Centre. Love it so much. The best thing bout it is I don't have to worry bout where to put it if I go to gym and when I'm not wearing pants with pocket. Well, more to come soon... Still surveying new laptop. In my mind, Sony Vaio (Pink colour). Love it so much....

FLIGHTLESS BIRD AMERICAN MOUTH

FLIGHTLESS BIRD

I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, American mouth
Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue

Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, American mouth
Big pill stuck going down

 

Love this song a lot. The first time I heard  this song is through 'The Twilight' movie... Edward and Bella were dancing for their prom night. Romantic yet solemn... I don't really understand the lyric of this song actually but I think it's about love. But not really sure what it mean. I'm not that poetic enough to read between the line of the lyric. I think I need someone who is major in literature to help me to understand this song. It sounds interesting but can't really figure out anything from each line of the lyric.

 

Since I have a cousin who recently graduated her master in Literature, I surely can ask her later. Sure she can read between the line. I'm not really good in Literature. Not even my favourite subject when I was in university. Even though it is actually one of major paper but then I managed to get only B. I think the only time I got A for literature is during Ms. Rihana Mydin class. I think that was my second year of degree year. I was quite shock actually that I got A for literature. Well, the reason why I got A was, during that year, we were doing preparation to teach students literature and we learnt about novel, short stories and also easy poem. I think that's why I got A. If my lecturer to give this type of song for me to read between the line, I may not be able to do it. 

 

Anyway, will be posting few more songs that I love just to share with all of you how I feel and how certain songs are very symbolic to me and my life. Will share all of you books that I've read and also few of the recipe that I've tried. And will upload more pics as well especially on cooking. Now I've not been doing a lot but will try to do my best to do something during the weekend if not away again... Ok... I think that's all. Will continue more later. Adios...